There was nothing about Lightyear I was looking forward to, I hadn’t seen any of the trailers, I had no interest in it and I had read about all the woke in it. However, I review movies, so that is what I did. I watch this stuff, so you don’t have to.
There will be two parts to this review, the first part is Lightyear as a kid’s movie, and the second part is Lightyear as a piece of modern entertainment.
Lightyear – The Kids Movie
I like to think I can watch a movie as the target audience might react. I am a child at heart, so I thought Lightyear might be fun and entertaining. Looking at it, from this standpoint it is kind of OK, but the overall story is too complex to be fun.
If you have little ones, they might enjoy the space adventure, but that’s about it. Now I move into part two of the review.
Lightyear – A Piece Of Modern Entertainment
I’m going to say one word to sum this up: Disney.
I don’t care how much you bury your head in the sand, you cannot ignore how woke Disney has become. They are determined to get likes from the blue hair activists who never like anything. Disney has emasculated Luke Skywalker, Obi-Wan, and now it’s Buzz Lightyear’s turn.
I’m going to go straight into the movie first and there will be spoilers, but honestly, it doesn’t matter. There is no point in watching this movie anyways.
Buzz in this movie is a bit of a bumbling idiot who can only get by with his good looks and chiseled jaw. His ship, with hundreds of other Space Rangers on it, lands on a distant planet, I forget why. Buzz is giving a running commentary, only to be interrupted by ‘strong black female character’.
There’s a back and forth, but it didn’t add much. They are attacked by plants and space bugs and then try to head back to the ship to take off. In the first two seconds, Buzz fires a laser pistol at some bugs and then just throws the gun at them. Bumbling idiot.
As they try to take off, Buzz at the helm tries to do things on his own, only to crash the ship. Bumbling idiot.
Everyone forgives him and they settle, with the intention of getting off the planet somehow. Buzz is the one that tests a new fuel cell, only to end up traveling forward in time, getting back 4 years later every time.
In this time period, his friend, the ‘strong black female character’, is a lesbian, gets married, gets pregnant, has a kid, and celebrated her 40th anniversary.
She ends up dying, Buzz…tbh, I can’t be bothered to go through the rest of this. Time travel, Zurg turns up, bad robots, Buzz meets ‘strong black female character’ granddaughter and some other bumbling idiots and they save the day.
Writing this, I take it back, as a kid’s space adventure, it’s overly complicated. The entire opening bit could have been condensed down to about 2 – 3 minutes instead of about 30 minutes.
Spoilers. It turns out that Zurg is actually a different version of Buzz, from another timeline. This makes zero sense since, in Toy Story 2, Zurg pulls a Star Wars and says he is actually Buzz’s father.
The movie makes zero sense if you have ever seen any of the Toy Story movies. Again, Disney has managed to take a beloved property and piss all over it, since the writers don’t seem to have any understanding of said property. Here are some mild issues.
Buzz looks nothing like the Buzz in Toy Story, OK, so he’s a toy, but even toys look pretty good, there’s no way it’s the same Buzz.
The voice is completely different, which again, makes no sense. I have a vague recollection that maybe Tim Allen isn’t liked in Hollywood or something, but this doesn’t explain how young Buzz, played by Chris Evan, and then old Buzz, played by James Brolin both sound nothing like Allen.
An opening flash card tells us that this is the movie that Andy watched which made him want a Buzz Lightyear in the original movie. What a joke! Toy Story was made in 1995. If a kid’s movie back then had a lesbian kiss in it, it would have been banned quicker than Michael Jackson from a kid’s party.
Back in 1995, an innocent time, Hollywood wasn’t interested in ‘the message’, they just wanted to make money, but actually did it with decent entertainment, well-written stories, loveable characters, and Randy Newman.
There is no way on earth Andy which THIS movie and wanted to get a Buzz Lightyear toy! He would never have been allowed to watch it.
In the new Lightyear, Buzz has a new crew – ‘strong black female character’ granddaughter, Mo Morrison, Darby Steel, and SOX, his electronic cat. However, nowhere in any of the Toy Story movies are these mentioned or even hinted at!
It is explained how Buzz gets his laser and his wings, but you would have thought the toy company selling Buzz would also sell SOX the cat, but no, none of them seem to exist outside of this movie.
Mo is played by Taika Waititi and, to be honest, I’m now getting Taika Fatigi.
There is a lot more, but I’m now getting annoyed I’m putting so much into this. Lightyear is a piece of modern woke crap, where Buzz is emasculated, turned into a bumbling idiot, so he can learn lessons from ‘strong black female character’.
I don’t’ have kids, but I wouldn’t be letting them watch this. I would be teaching them about Disney and how it was a great company, many years ago, but is now a destroyer of franchises.
Lightyear gets 0 out of 5! Our tech only lets us give 0.5 stars as the lowest, but don’t let that fool you. It is a horrible exercise in pandering crap that deserves to lose money!
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